That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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