My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
Watch out, there's a giant vagina in the quad running around screaming at people.
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
Btw I puked in your glovebox
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