I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
When I say rough sex, and show you scars from past encounters, pulling my hair a little IS NOT GOING TO CUT IT. And he just doesn't understand.
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
i just remember pinky promising you guys to take care of him.
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
I'm going to have to go for it. It's like Mt. Everest. It's large and unpredictable but I live for adventure and it's worth never coming back from. Mt. BigDick.
From what I remember I had fun, until I threw up, and lost my shoes..
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Randomize
