Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
i had a threesome. one of the guys used to bully me in high school too for being gay.
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
Randomize
