i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
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