from now on my penis is your penis
im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
I should have been more specific when I asked for 8 inches.
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
I take it that, because we are not guzzling a box of franzia, everything went alright?
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
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