I dont shave on purpose to keep myself from being slutastic!! it usually works
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
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