I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
Very interesting. Let's just say I got home last night and threw up, found a joint in my bra, and woke up naked in my bed
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