Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
yeah, i liked him til i heard he had a sac that could apparently smother my face.
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
And then I have a slight inkling that I went up to the bar and tried to order the bartender.
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
Did you leave ur panties in the sink?
Kitchen or bathroom?
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
Randomize
