Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
So it wasn't until I came that he pointed out the glow in the dark plastic star still stuck to my forehead. Fun times.
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
RIGHT?!?! I'M ACTUALLY UPSET I DON'T GET TO MAKE THE 2.3 MILE TREK TO SUCK HIS COCK, yes I google earthed it.
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
The kid with the ed hardy shirt put a bunch of random shit in the washer and turned it on. example: a hanger, the movie Chocolate with Johnny Depp, and your mom's cat
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