Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
Randomize
