I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
Haha! I've never met his girlfriend, so my main focus will be not saying,"you're the only person in this room that doesn't know what my vagina feels like."
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
Randomize
