Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
you inspire me to be a worse person
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
It's hard being an adult. And by that I mean it's hard to tell the boy you like who rejected you that you can't share a room with him at white party because you don't want to see him bang other boys.
soon, soon....
I don't believe you anymore. You're like the boy who cried coitus.....
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
I am the murdurer of this scooby doo episode
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize
