dude chill. it wont be anything like your seventh grade birthday party.
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
What's dad's email?
askmom@cause.idk
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
Randomize
