I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
I think you are severely overestimating being able to get your lingerie back by posting the lyrics of Irreplaceable
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
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