Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
can you take a pic of your glorious tits but not send it just yet? I need motivation to finish this bull shit presentation.
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
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