Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
He should be on Bizare Foods after who he ate last night
Yes, I fucked her, no she wasn't that loose, yes she caused more drama than a 14 year old girl
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
JUST SAW MY DRUG DEALER SOBER AND GOING TO CLASS. This is weird, its almost like he's an actual student whio leaves his room...
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
Basically we had a threesome in one room and a fivesome in the next room. Its what I like to call a win win situation.
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
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