I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
The power of the half flaccid cock, and to think, I thought I was just playing accordion in front of her Vagina!
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
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