woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
Randomize
