You guys sftrill at mcdondalds?!!!!
Yes.
fuckin bring me a cheseburgeria
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
It's like the last supper of drinking before the summer ends
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Randomize
