I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
Randomize
