So did the night end well for you?
I stole a traffic cone and drunk texted my sister because i couldn't think of any other girl to text
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
does she really think making her boyfriend delete me on facebook is going to magically stop us from hooking up?
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Randomize
