i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
hey bro how do you do that fake vagina thing with the tp roll? im bored.
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
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