He IMed me 5 times, before my homepage even loaded. This is not gonna work out for me
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
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Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
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You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
Don't forget to make sex 3rd on your calander
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