Remember ______, girl, blonde, one of my roommates the first year of ________?
Yeah we hooked up in the top bunk bed while simultaneously having a conversation with u, so yeah, I remember her
Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
like semen in my mouth is absolutely disgusting but i'd still like to experience it
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
He is into some weird shit i walked in his room last night he was waving his hard dick around hitting shit yellin cock fight
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
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