My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
I want him to be my next love. So I'm taking it slow
As in ill only blow him next week
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
And my nipple is sore from him biting it. That is not a complaint.
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
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