i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
also. got fucked to usher last night. dunno if thats a new high or a new low
Was it at least a good usher song?
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Randomize
