worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
no. 1 rule of bromania: no females
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
Randomize
