I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
Dont have access to internet. masturbating to shake weight commercial.
So basically our separate showers turned into one shower, to save water, which turned into a bath, which turned into sex on the bed, which turned into drinking beer in the bed, and thats what the stain is from... bud light. sorry.
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
He shit in the fireplace
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
Randomize
