I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
the semester is winding down: time to procrastinate by googling cheap keg options
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
I would of joined had I not blacked out last night and ran around naked breaking things till 4 am
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
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