I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
The money shot is kinda like the "The End" part of a children's book isn't it?
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
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