You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
i'm trying to figure out what goes best with beef ramen. a 2007 merlot or a 2008 pinot noir? i'm leaning toward the pinot noir.
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
He is making me drink his THC water out of a milk jug.
My bed is full of blood and feathers
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
Randomize
