Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
I ripped off the screen and literally supermaned through my bedroom window. That wasted
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
its the 14th virginity that counts the most anayways
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
Randomize
