I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
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