I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
This show inspires me to have sex in space
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
I'm listening to bach and watching porn,is that a sign of depression?
Quite the contrary. Sophistication.
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
Randomize
