Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
I got a 93 percent on my last mid term and I was drunk. Think of the possibilities if i were sober for the one thats tommorrow.
Randomize
