the only thing i knew about you is that u dated jordan and were potentially interested in a threesome
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
he drunkenly pissed himself on the deck, in the bathroom, and on my couch within the span of an hour
its like an avodart commercial...maybe he has a growing problem
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
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