How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
I still love him regardless of his misguided forays into heterosexuality
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
Unfortunately the rum ran out midway through our viewing and we had to suffer in silence for the rest of it.
Randomize
