I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
Randomize
