my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
No, I found out he was gay when I walked in on him blowing the guy from the dorm room next to ours.
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
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