They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
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