Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
we had a 10 minute conversation with his family about how I don't let him eat me out. I want to go home
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
Randomize
