And now I'm afraid that I'm a pornographic eater.
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
And dont forget my 23rd birthday where with no underwear i crawled through the cage of the police car. Dont get drunk be fore you get drunk.
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
He was on my bed looking at me like a sacrifice to the gods of gay sex and he's definitely a bottom. Like Jesus Christ a really, really great ass of a bottom.
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
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