it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
I know, I know. But we've discussed my friends and appropriate social behaviour, and I'm pretty sure topless karaoke was a no-no.
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
I mean I could but due to my age and being a mother and all I feel it's poor judgment to give fellatio in a public establishment.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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