its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
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