I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
you never un-have a 4some
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
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