Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
I thought monday through wednesday was a YOLO free zone.
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
So. I need to gloat. I couldn't exactly tell my family that I won this game by deep throating.
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
