Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
..and by hang out i don't mean fucking then going back home i mean let's get something to eat & watch a movie and fuck sometime in between.
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
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