I have my period so I felt bad and blew him with cash cab in the background. I wanted to yell out the answers but my mouth was full.
I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
I don't know if you realize how depressing it is to get your card denied....when you're only spending $4.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
he was Irish, I had to have sex with him.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
