Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
That's actually a fantastic idea... The kinky sex dungeon will be vastly improved by the addition of a lightsaber
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
I just sucked dick on a ferry
She said to call her, so I called her. Her boyfriend answered and traced the fucking call. I could litterally hear him yell because it turns out he lives in 4d
Don't you live in 4c?
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
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