Where is the hickey?
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
im dirt poor will suck dick for halloween costume
Sorry really high. We have no lighter so we're lighting the bowl with rolled up paper towels lit by candle which also lit with a rolled up paper towel that we lit with the stove eye
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
I remember 2 things. 1. Hanging through the window. 2. And she needing a bucket to puke in. That’s all. I have no other memory.
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