Texts From Last Night · Random Texts

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.

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(907): View more from Alaska

Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.

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(540): View more from Virginia

The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.

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(218): View more from Minnesota

Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?

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(281): View more from Texas

She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...

(832): View more from Houston, Texas

...

(281): View more from Texas

Exactly.

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(734): View more from Michigan

...hi

(603): View more from New Hampshire

YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF

(734): View more from Michigan

Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.

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(402): View more from Nebraska

Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.

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