Wooohooo! I'm sitting in the car like a creep watching people walk in and out of Blush. Lots of happy people.
I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
I applaud your efforts, but I have to say it was the bear we encountered that ultimately shut down the entire operation
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
He may be 6' 6" but I'm 180 lbs of pure rage and determination
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
Randomize
