Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
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