idk, it's all black and i hear low talking...
dude, i think you're in initiation!
shit. that's not good.
he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
Still drunk and leading the team through the 9am sales meeting. I'm pretty sure this is why there aren't more 26year-olds in management.
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
So... In conclusion, do I bring my vibrator and risk not only having it getting taken out at security, but also exposing my dad to my neon green vibrator, or just leave it here?
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
Randomize
