Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
Finally put clothes on I've been laying naked in the bed for approximately 4 hours since I showered and by showered I mean when I laid down in the bathtub with the shower on
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
I remember all the people and all the acts I just have to match the person with the act
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
Randomize
