i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
i think i got so emotional from a mix of getting my period and slapping the bag like five times
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
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I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
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stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
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