Sober January is a disaster.
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
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This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
Traveling before 21 and traveling after 21 are two different things. There's a whole nother world of red white and blue weird out there
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
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Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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