I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
