My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
The bouncer was being really rude for no reason. Steph PICKED him up and physically MOVED him from our path on the way out.
Well thats the pro of going out drinking with a pro body builder. Even if its a girl.
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
Well when we Get drunk it gets rowdy. We could always attempt self-control. But historically and statistically speaking, we fail at that.
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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