i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
No just sleep deprived. James woke me up at 7 and forced me to eat a hot pocket with him cause he " didn't want me to die".
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
Randomize
