so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
awww and there was just a proposal on stage with the pussycat dolls !!!!!
Did someone propose they get off the stage?
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
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