you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
I understand where he's coming from but I don't want this alcohol to revolve around relationship
Wait
I WISH WE COULD PLAY THE DRINKING GAME TOGETHER AND THEN BANG FOR AMERICA.
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
I'm high. The text bubbles floating do no justice to the underwater experiences
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
Randomize
